Personal Story- Grief.

This year, I experienced a kind of grief I never could have anticipated. I lost my Uncle Ken to cancer—a man who was my hero growing up, and truly one of the most significant influences in shaping who I am today.

For five years, my family and I stood by his side as he fought a hard battle. But even after all that time, I never truly believed we’d lose him. That is, until we found out that the chemotherapy wasn’t working anymore. What could be a few months turned into just about a month, and in that time, we had just over a week in hospice.

What I didn’t know then, and what I can reflect on now, is how brutal anticipatory grief is.

Knowing you will lose someone—that countdown to saying goodbye—comes with its own unique pain.

There are the “lasts” we never want to experience: the last time you get to play together, the last chance to share how much they mean to you, the last embrace, and the last “I love you.” Some of those “lasts” came repeatedly, as we are never really sure when someone’s time is up.

That uncertainty made it all the harder.

But as difficult as those “lasts” were, the “firsts” after a loss are hard too. This will be our first Christmas without him. Grief is this constant reminder of how much love and connection we shared. It lingers—whether in the silence or the tears or the little things that remind you of their presence.

This past week, as we were decorating our Christmas tree, I found a leather ornament that my Uncle Ken had made for us. It’s a beautiful reminder of his creativity, his love, and the warmth he always brought into our lives.

The sadness I once felt when I thought of him is slowly shifting, making room for more happy, warm feelings when I remember him now.

I’m not sure if grief ever does go away completely—I feel like it evolves, and while it may never fully leave, it doesn’t always carry the same weight. And with time, the memories of love, joy, and connection have a way of shining through the pain.

The holidays are never easy when you’re missing someone, but as we move through this season, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel the grief, and it’s also okay to find moments of joy, even in the midst of the sadness. Grief is a testament to how much someone meant to us—and while it’s painful, it’s also a reflection of the depth of love we will always carry.

If you’re grieving this holiday season, please know you’re not alone. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to allow yourself to experience the highs and lows. You are allowed to grieve, but you’re also allowed to find moments of peace and even happiness as you remember those you’ve lost.

-Ben